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Tesco

It’s Very Shit Darling

Hello my loves.

Remember me?

I used to write my little brain farts here. Until life got in the way.

I’ve got so much to tell you I don’t even really know where to begin. I went to Seattle for MozCon – and they let me on stage. To speak about SEO.

Which is foolhardy when you consider that despite three years of explanation, repetition, mime, and screaming ab-dabs I’ve still as yet been unable to explain to my Mum what the hell SEO is.

Fortunately I was standing up in front of 500 SEOs which made the task somewhat easier (mainly because they don’t stop you half way through to ask what SEO stands for), plus I was armed with ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ mugs, fridge magnets and snowglobes to make the audience love me give away.

Also on my side was my British accent; which I’m reliably informed by Geraldine makes me instantly one of the smartest people in the room (or at least sound like one of the smartest people in the room which is definitely almost the same thing). Oh and that British accent also raised my hotness by like a million percent. It’s official. I am so much hotter in America. I might move there*.

Plus it was double-awesome to finally meet Kate. We got to spend some time working on our respective presentations on Tuesday which was fab. Mid (my) spiel I saw her in the crowd and said ‘Hi Kate’ and waved. (Just an FYI – it’s probably best not to do that when you’re supposed to be presenting – it’s not particularly professional – I’ve watched loads of TED talks and none of them do it.) I thought I’d got away with it, but it apparently did upset at least one attendee. We’ll call him drunk, creepy guy because that’s how he chose to behave at the first night drinks thingy**.

Anywho it was great. I met some really lovely people (you totally know who you are), and ass-hattery was definitely kept to a minimum. Oh and I learned a lot too. Let’s call that winning.

What else? I’ve been to four weddings (and no funerals). I’ve two more weddings to go. 2011 will definitely go down in my calendar as the year of the wedding. I find it really difficult to articulate quite how I feel about all these weddings. Is it ok to be happy-sad at weddings? I’m not sure that says anything good about me. I think maybe I’ll talk more about them in another post.

Closer to home they’ve ruined my local Tesco. Which makes me hate them even more than I did before.

One of the many improvements they’ve made include:

  1. Stocking far less product that they used to before.
  2. Dumb fridges with doors on that mean that you can’t get your grubby mitts on the stuff that you want to buy because there’s some indecisive, pain in the ass idiot in your way.
  3. A total re-layout of the store so you can’t find anything.
  4. Self-checkouts which prevent you from purchasing anything more than 4 items on account of the bagging area being baffling small, and removing anything from the bagging area causes alarms to be raised and you’ll be treated like the tea leaf you almost certainly are not.
Because I’m pathetically lame these things bother me more than they should. When I was younger I used to go out and have fun, now to replace what’s missing in my life, apparently I whine about supermarkets. This makes me hate myself. In order to make me feel better about myself I like to project on to Tesco.

I would go and get help for this issue only:

  1. I don’t believe in psychologists (even though I’m pretty sure they do exist).
  2. I don’t really earn enough to afford a psychologist.
  3. Psychologists scare me because I suspect that their proximity to emotionally disturbed people might make them emotionally disturbed.
  4. They may project their own emotional disturbance on to me, which in turn may my exacerbate my issue with Tesco.
Over lunch yesterday I was telling my Mum how shit the new Tesco was. Her response?
Yes, it’s very shit darling.

Yep – looks like I managed to bore even my own mother.

We then went on to talk about who I should take to my brother wedding. (Did I mention that my ickle bro’s is one of the six weddings that I’m going to this year? – Well I have now.)  We were discussing who I should take as my +1 as my best buddy Stevie Plunder can’t make it. My Mum was pro me taking a male friend. This pissed me off because I get all high and mighty about being single lately. (I’m not sure why this is.) Male escorts were debated at length but eventually discounted (my Mum was broadly positive about the idea – I think this may have been a clever piece of reverse-psychology, not that I was particularly serious about it in any case.)

In other news my ickle Mummy until today thought that Kindles were called Kimbles. As in Richard Kimble the Fugative. I swear to God she’s so on her way to being a meme. I should probably quit my job right now and just devote my life to documenting her online.

And now I’m rambling. It’s kinda late, and I’m kinda tired so I’m going to hit the hay.

It’s very shit that I’ve been so remiss and left it so long darlings.

I missed you xxx

*Yes this makes me very shallow.
**It’s not so much that this guy doesn’t have a point, it’s more that he was very drunk and creepy. In my experience if you want to make a serious point it’s important to at least try not to be drunk when doing so. I’m not sure if you can help being creepy, but if you can try and keep your creepiness in check you may find less people give you weird looks and/or mouth ‘help me’ at their friends and/or pretend they need to get another drink / go to the toilet just to escape you.

Tesco – I Hate You!

Dear readers, those who know me, will attest to the fact that I am a filthy smoker.

I am not a nice person sans cigarettes.

I was running low today before I went to rehearsal, but figured – not to worry Tesco doesn’t close until 11pm or something – I’ll pick some up on my way home.

Well, I was right about Tesco remaining open, but not apparently the cigarette counter.

They close the cigarette counter at 10pm.

It’s absolute bloody lunacy. I mean – smokers *need* cigarettes after 10pm. No one *needs* carrots after 10pm. Or leeks, or some kind of hideous frozen fish pie.

But you can buy carrots, leeks, hideous frozen fish pie and much, much more at Tesco after 10pm.

Just not cigarettes.

All I want is cigarettes. From Tesco, after 10pm. Is that really too big an ask?

Tesco claim every little helps. Well Tesco there’s a wee small little thing you could do to help me – keep the cigarette counter open until you close the store.

Oh and Tesco? I hate you.

Now – to any smokers out there with a stash of fags – right now I’d quite possibly cut off my right arm for a pack.

However to avoid any unneccesary blood shed would you be willing to trade some carrots, leeks and a hideous frozen fish pie for just one ickle cigarette? Me love you long time xxx