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SEO

Look Mum, I’m on the Internet

Talking about that SEO thing I do…

My head looks odd, huh?

You should also read the behemoth linkbait guide written by the scarily clever and ridiculously young Ed Fry. It contains (amongst other things) some pictures of cats.

It’s Very Shit Darling

Hello my loves.

Remember me?

I used to write my little brain farts here. Until life got in the way.

I’ve got so much to tell you I don’t even really know where to begin. I went to Seattle for MozCon – and they let me on stage. To speak about SEO.

Which is foolhardy when you consider that despite three years of explanation, repetition, mime, and screaming ab-dabs I’ve still as yet been unable to explain to my Mum what the hell SEO is.

Fortunately I was standing up in front of 500 SEOs which made the task somewhat easier (mainly because they don’t stop you half way through to ask what SEO stands for), plus I was armed with ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ mugs, fridge magnets and snowglobes to make the audience love me give away.

Also on my side was my British accent; which I’m reliably informed by Geraldine makes me instantly one of the smartest people in the room (or at least sound like one of the smartest people in the room which is definitely almost the same thing). Oh and that British accent also raised my hotness by like a million percent. It’s official. I am so much hotter in America. I might move there*.

Plus it was double-awesome to finally meet Kate. We got to spend some time working on our respective presentations on Tuesday which was fab. Mid (my) spiel I saw her in the crowd and said ‘Hi Kate’ and waved. (Just an FYI – it’s probably best not to do that when you’re supposed to be presenting – it’s not particularly professional – I’ve watched loads of TED talks and none of them do it.) I thought I’d got away with it, but it apparently did upset at least one attendee. We’ll call him drunk, creepy guy because that’s how he chose to behave at the first night drinks thingy**.

Anywho it was great. I met some really lovely people (you totally know who you are), and ass-hattery was definitely kept to a minimum. Oh and I learned a lot too. Let’s call that winning.

What else? I’ve been to four weddings (and no funerals). I’ve two more weddings to go. 2011 will definitely go down in my calendar as the year of the wedding. I find it really difficult to articulate quite how I feel about all these weddings. Is it ok to be happy-sad at weddings? I’m not sure that says anything good about me. I think maybe I’ll talk more about them in another post.

Closer to home they’ve ruined my local Tesco. Which makes me hate them even more than I did before.

One of the many improvements they’ve made include:

  1. Stocking far less product that they used to before.
  2. Dumb fridges with doors on that mean that you can’t get your grubby mitts on the stuff that you want to buy because there’s some indecisive, pain in the ass idiot in your way.
  3. A total re-layout of the store so you can’t find anything.
  4. Self-checkouts which prevent you from purchasing anything more than 4 items on account of the bagging area being baffling small, and removing anything from the bagging area causes alarms to be raised and you’ll be treated like the tea leaf you almost certainly are not.
Because I’m pathetically lame these things bother me more than they should. When I was younger I used to go out and have fun, now to replace what’s missing in my life, apparently I whine about supermarkets. This makes me hate myself. In order to make me feel better about myself I like to project on to Tesco.

I would go and get help for this issue only:

  1. I don’t believe in psychologists (even though I’m pretty sure they do exist).
  2. I don’t really earn enough to afford a psychologist.
  3. Psychologists scare me because I suspect that their proximity to emotionally disturbed people might make them emotionally disturbed.
  4. They may project their own emotional disturbance on to me, which in turn may my exacerbate my issue with Tesco.
Over lunch yesterday I was telling my Mum how shit the new Tesco was. Her response?
Yes, it’s very shit darling.

Yep – looks like I managed to bore even my own mother.

We then went on to talk about who I should take to my brother wedding. (Did I mention that my ickle bro’s is one of the six weddings that I’m going to this year? – Well I have now.)  We were discussing who I should take as my +1 as my best buddy Stevie Plunder can’t make it. My Mum was pro me taking a male friend. This pissed me off because I get all high and mighty about being single lately. (I’m not sure why this is.) Male escorts were debated at length but eventually discounted (my Mum was broadly positive about the idea – I think this may have been a clever piece of reverse-psychology, not that I was particularly serious about it in any case.)

In other news my ickle Mummy until today thought that Kindles were called Kimbles. As in Richard Kimble the Fugative. I swear to God she’s so on her way to being a meme. I should probably quit my job right now and just devote my life to documenting her online.

And now I’m rambling. It’s kinda late, and I’m kinda tired so I’m going to hit the hay.

It’s very shit that I’ve been so remiss and left it so long darlings.

I missed you xxx

*Yes this makes me very shallow.
**It’s not so much that this guy doesn’t have a point, it’s more that he was very drunk and creepy. In my experience if you want to make a serious point it’s important to at least try not to be drunk when doing so. I’m not sure if you can help being creepy, but if you can try and keep your creepiness in check you may find less people give you weird looks and/or mouth ‘help me’ at their friends and/or pretend they need to get another drink / go to the toilet just to escape you.

Google Instant – Your Muvver Wouldn’t Like It

When I was 8 or 9; whenever anyone was up to mischief all the bystanders used to stand and chant (over and over again):

“Your muvver wouldn’t like it, your muvver wouldn’t like it, your muvver wouldn’t like it.”

I’m not quite sure why. Perhaps it’s just because kids love repetition. Perhaps it was to alert the dinner ladies – something akin to the “fight, fight, fight” chant that used to ensure that any fights were swiftly broken up.

Anyways when I started playing with Google Instant yesterday the “your muvver wouldn’t like it” chant started up in my head (don’t worry it’s not like I hear voices or anything… well sometimes I do – it’s normally Janeane Garofalo – but whatever, that’s not the point).

I decided to test the theory with my own darling Mummy. Would my Muvver like it?

Right, some background. My Mummy is no silver surfer. She finds search engines confusing. She finds it really hard to find what she’s looking for – mainly it has to be said, because her choice of search query sometimes a bit bizarre.

She also has some ‘issues’ with certain sites. For example, she doesn’t like Ticketmaster – even though from time to time she uses them. Conversely she likes Amazon, but if she wants to buy a book she’d normally type in the name of the book first, rather than going straight to Amazon and searching for the book there.

She doesn’t like the ‘PPP’ ads (I’ve told her a millionty times it’s PPC not PPP) because she thinks that they’re irrelevant. Even when they’re not – what can I say perception is reality.

Ordinarily she’ll do multiple searches until she finds what it is she’s looking for. As she puts it she finds it hard to express what it is she wants to find in the search box.

Me: So, Mumsy how do you like Google Instant?

Mumsy: What? What are you talking about?

She didn’t notice. She was so focused on the search box she wasn’t aware of the listings changing as she typed.

I had to point it out to her. I thought this in itself was pretty interesting.

Me: Can you see how the listings are changing as you type?

Mumsy: Oh, oh I don’t like that at all. It’s all a bit hectic – there’s too much going on. I don’t like the way the page is changing so fast. It’s preempting my search too early.

If things started to happen after I type a full word or two I might like it more – but it’s trying to guess what I want after I type in a single letter – it’s getting it all wrong.

NB – you’d hope of course that over time these predictions would get more accurate based on historical personalised search behaviour.

Me: Do you think you’d get used to it over time?

Mumsy: (Grudging) yes I suppose.

Me: Would you consider using another search engine that didn’t predict your every keystroke like that?

Mumsy: I always use Google. I didn’t know that there were other search engines. Why would I use another search engine?

Me: Because it wouldn’t do the predictive thang.

Mumsy: I don’t know any other search engines.

Me: What if I showed you them?

Mumsy: They wouldn’t do all that jumping around?

Me: Nope.

Mumsy: Mmmm I might.

So there you have it. Google Instant- my Muvver doesn’t like it.

However – she’s so brand loyal that despite her dislike of the new functionality she only said she *might* consider changing search engine… Interesting, huh?

What do you think? What does your Muvver think? Hit up those comments loves 🙂

I’m Hannah, Fly Me….

Well hello there.

This is perhaps the scariest post I’ve ever written. In what might be described as a bold move by some (er my Mum); or quite possibly a foolhardy one; I’ve elected to leave Gravytrain – the agency where I’ve worked for a little over two and a half years.

Where’s the bold / foolhardy bit?

Well the truth is I don’t have a job to go to. Yet.

I have some freelance work, some savings and what not; so we’re not talking panic stations just yet – but frankly I know it would really make my Dad happy if I could find gainful employment within the next month or two.

So, if you’ve always thought it would really kinda cool to work with me, I’d just love it if you’d get in touch. I’m open to hearing about pretty much any opportunities be they freelance, part time or full time positions in SEO / Paid Search / Social Media.

Drop me an email tzeitelhannahsmith (at) gmail.com

SEO.BIO

Hello my lovelies.

This week the peeps at Leeds SEO asked me to do an SEO BIO – (gobsmacked just doesn’t cover it).

Anyways, if you’ve always wondered how on earth I take my tea, or which Simpsons character I’m most like it’s essential reading – here’s the link – Hannah Smith SEO.BIO 

Happy Saturday 😉

 

 

Image credit Pink Sherbet Photography