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It’s Very Shit Darling

Hello my loves.

Remember me?

I used to write my little brain farts here. Until life got in the way.

I’ve got so much to tell you I don’t even really know where to begin. I went to Seattle for MozCon – and they let me on stage. To speak about SEO.

Which is foolhardy when you consider that despite three years of explanation, repetition, mime, and screaming ab-dabs I’ve still as yet been unable to explain to my Mum what the hell SEO is.

Fortunately I was standing up in front of 500 SEOs which made the task somewhat easier (mainly because they don’t stop you half way through to ask what SEO stands for), plus I was armed with ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ mugs, fridge magnets and snowglobes to make the audience love me give away.

Also on my side was my British accent; which I’m reliably informed by Geraldine makes me instantly one of the smartest people in the room (or at least sound like one of the smartest people in the room which is definitely almost the same thing). Oh and that British accent also raised my hotness by like a million percent. It’s official. I am so much hotter in America. I might move there*.

Plus it was double-awesome to finally meet Kate. We got to spend some time working on our respective presentations on Tuesday which was fab. Mid (my) spiel I saw her in the crowd and said ‘Hi Kate’ and waved. (Just an FYI – it’s probably best not to do that when you’re supposed to be presenting – it’s not particularly professional – I’ve watched loads of TED talks and none of them do it.) I thought I’d got away with it, but it apparently did upset at least one attendee. We’ll call him drunk, creepy guy because that’s how he chose to behave at the first night drinks thingy**.

Anywho it was great. I met some really lovely people (you totally know who you are), and ass-hattery was definitely kept to a minimum. Oh and I learned a lot too. Let’s call that winning.

What else? I’ve been to four weddings (and no funerals). I’ve two more weddings to go. 2011 will definitely go down in my calendar as the year of the wedding. I find it really difficult to articulate quite how I feel about all these weddings. Is it ok to be happy-sad at weddings? I’m not sure that says anything good about me. I think maybe I’ll talk more about them in another post.

Closer to home they’ve ruined my local Tesco. Which makes me hate them even more than I did before.

One of the many improvements they’ve made include:

  1. Stocking far less product that they used to before.
  2. Dumb fridges with doors on that mean that you can’t get your grubby mitts on the stuff that you want to buy because there’s some indecisive, pain in the ass idiot in your way.
  3. A total re-layout of the store so you can’t find anything.
  4. Self-checkouts which prevent you from purchasing anything more than 4 items on account of the bagging area being baffling small, and removing anything from the bagging area causes alarms to be raised and you’ll be treated like the tea leaf you almost certainly are not.
Because I’m pathetically lame these things bother me more than they should. When I was younger I used to go out and have fun, now to replace what’s missing in my life, apparently I whine about supermarkets. This makes me hate myself. In order to make me feel better about myself I like to project on to Tesco.

I would go and get help for this issue only:

  1. I don’t believe in psychologists (even though I’m pretty sure they do exist).
  2. I don’t really earn enough to afford a psychologist.
  3. Psychologists scare me because I suspect that their proximity to emotionally disturbed people might make them emotionally disturbed.
  4. They may project their own emotional disturbance on to me, which in turn may my exacerbate my issue with Tesco.
Over lunch yesterday I was telling my Mum how shit the new Tesco was. Her response?
Yes, it’s very shit darling.

Yep – looks like I managed to bore even my own mother.

We then went on to talk about who I should take to my brother wedding. (Did I mention that my ickle bro’s is one of the six weddings that I’m going to this year? – Well I have now.)  We were discussing who I should take as my +1 as my best buddy Stevie Plunder can’t make it. My Mum was pro me taking a male friend. This pissed me off because I get all high and mighty about being single lately. (I’m not sure why this is.) Male escorts were debated at length but eventually discounted (my Mum was broadly positive about the idea – I think this may have been a clever piece of reverse-psychology, not that I was particularly serious about it in any case.)

In other news my ickle Mummy until today thought that Kindles were called Kimbles. As in Richard Kimble the Fugative. I swear to God she’s so on her way to being a meme. I should probably quit my job right now and just devote my life to documenting her online.

And now I’m rambling. It’s kinda late, and I’m kinda tired so I’m going to hit the hay.

It’s very shit that I’ve been so remiss and left it so long darlings.

I missed you xxx

*Yes this makes me very shallow.
**It’s not so much that this guy doesn’t have a point, it’s more that he was very drunk and creepy. In my experience if you want to make a serious point it’s important to at least try not to be drunk when doing so. I’m not sure if you can help being creepy, but if you can try and keep your creepiness in check you may find less people give you weird looks and/or mouth ‘help me’ at their friends and/or pretend they need to get another drink / go to the toilet just to escape you.

FordOnline PR – A Happy Ending… Romcom Stylee

Dear hearts, when last I wrote, your heroine was sat lonely & tearful in her bijou one bed flat.

It seemed that sadly, despite her best efforts to be charming, witty and playful the FordOnline PR guy just wasn’t that into her.

She had been snubbed.

*Cue god awful soundtrack – possibly this*

Fade into montage – our heroine wandering sadly around the flat, tragic but beautiful. A single tear rolls down her cheek (miraculously not destroying expertly applied make up).

But then… Just when you thought all hope for our heroine was lost… She receives an email from the PR guy referencing her blog post:

Thanks Hannah, personally I love it!

However, for obvious reasons – the client may not…  Still you posted the press release, so thanks for that (I think) and here are your kisses xxx

*Cue further shite music – probably this*

Gotta love a happy ending, right?

Ford Online PR Versus The Blogger

Dear readers, I’ve a confession to make. I’ve been a bad girl. I should go and sit on the naughty step.

But that’s what good girls do. And like I said. I’m bad.

I get emails from PR companies pretty regularly. Mostly I ignore them. However, I received one recently which I thought deserved a little attention.

It was from the PR company (who will remain nameless) who are currently working for Ford Online. My interest was piqued because I kinda thought they might want to give me a car. And I wouldn’t have minded that too much… I mean I’d prefer a book deal or possibly a spot on Strictly Come Dancing; but y’know… a car would do – right?

Here’s what they sent me:

Hi Hannah, (I was pleased they’d figured out my name… sometimes they don’t)

<Name removed> here, from <agency name removed> and I’m working together with FordOnline on a social media initiative. We want to engage more with female drivers in the UK and we think that your blog and readers would be interested in what we’re doing.

Would it be possible to post the latest press release from FordOnline on your blog which is below.  Also, courtesy of Ford perhaps you would like to run a competition for your readers where we can provide the prize?  Something useful and car related like a storage boot buddy (see attached photo)

Let me know what you think and if you can use the press release below.
Many thanks!
<Name removed>

Wanna know what in the name of arse a ‘boot buddy’ is? Here you go:

It’s very pink, huh?

Apparently (according to the blurb at least) *everyone* needs a boot buddy.

It’s a pink ‘gadget’ for girls!

Interestingly although not referenced in the email another picture was also included within the email – pink, in-car hair straightening irons! Wanna see?

Perhaps the dumbest invention I have ever heard of.

Oh, and yet again, pink.

But I’m forgetting the bestest bit! The press release! (Erm you can totally skip reading this if you want. It’s really fucking boring).

The Internet continues to influence how women buy cars

When it comes to buying a new or used vehicle women do not feel as comfortable about the car buying process as they do about other high value purchases.  Recent research highlights the issue of women often feeling under more pressure in the showroom or at a dealership than men (What Car? Magazine).

Leading economist Linda Babcock and author of “Women Don’t Ask” claims that women are 2.5 time more likely to feel “a great deal of apprehension” about negotiating than men, especially when it comes to purchasing a car, which may lead to women putting off going to a showroom or car dealership altogether. However, as the Internet continues to grow and people are increasingly purchasing high value goods online, there are further signs that it is also changing how people buy cars.

Ford Retail, the UK’s largest dedicated Ford dealer group which is wholly owned by Ford Motor Company, has launched ‘FordOnline’ (link removed – tee hee), a new easy-to-use car buying website that offers both convenience and value for Internet shoppers looking for new or used Ford cars as well as commercial vehicles.

Most car buying journeys start with browsing the Internet for information. Surprisingly, FordOnline has found that a large proportion of Internet shoppers (37%) are now prepared to purchase vehicles without a test drive, removing one of the final barriers to online selling of cars.

The convenience of the process is becoming increasingly important. New research carried out by FordOnline shows that motorists believe the benefits of buying a car online are convenience and a hassle free process, especially with today‘s busy lifestyles:

What would you rank as the greatest benefit of buying your car online?

· Getting a better deal (35%)

· It is convenient and quick (29%)

· There is no need to haggle on price (21%)

· It saves time/saves visiting a dealership (19%)

· It is less stressful than buying from a dealership (13%)

The research also reveals that the majority users are already well versed in making a broad range of purchases online including:

· Books, DVDs and music (59%)

· Insurance (55%)

· Holidays (52%)

· Clothes and jewellery (43%)

· Theatre/concert tickets (35%)

· Brown goods such as TV’s (34%)

· White goods (30%)

· Toys (26%)

· Health and beauty products (25%)

· Car parts (24%)

Steve Hood, Managing Director of FordOnline, commented: “We know that with the growth of the Internet there are car buyers out there who want to search for and buy a car without visiting a dealership. We have specifically designed FordOnline for those people, offering them great choice, low-prices and high levels of customer service. What you see on FordOnline is exactly what you get. Our customers only need to visit a dealer to pick up their vehicle.”

FordOnline aims to make car buying simple and straightforward, it is also 100% owned by Ford Retail, so users can be confident in using the website – it is the trusted, quick and convenient way to buy a Ford vehicle. They are now also to be found with the latest stories and updates on Twitter @FordOnlineUK. To find the best deals on your next Ford, visit (link removed again tee hee hee!)

– Ends –

Wow! FordOnline like totally ‘get’ social media. And they totally ‘get’ females. I mean, what woman in her right mind would turn down the chance to bore her poor readers to death with a poorly researched, dry as the sahara desert press release in exchange for a boot buddy or in car hair straighteners? And they’re both pink!

I mean, you’d have to be either

a) Out of your mind


b) Be on the blob

to turn down an offer like that!

I therefore dashed off the following response forthwith:

Hi <Name removed>,

I do really like pink and I’m sure my readers do too.

I also like ponies. Do they do boot buddies with ponies on them?


I kinda thought that would be the end of it. But the PR came back to me (possibly because no one else had responded to him at all):

Hi Hannah,

I will look into the ponies for you!
Is that press release something you can work with on your blog?
If so, do email me the URL link so I can see the response and send you the pink boot buddy for your readers if you want to do a competition/giveaway or something similar.
Kind regards, (I was kinda sad that he used ‘kind regards’ rather than ‘love’)

<Name removed> (also note the lack of kisses)

I could have left it there… But I couldn’t resist sending him a reply:
Hi <Name removed>,

I’ve just polled my readers and it turns out that only 37% of them like pink. This means that 63% don’t like pink. Interestingly a slightly higher proportion – 45% like ponies. But this still means that 55% don’t like ponies.

I guess we’re going to have to rethink the prize. Perhaps I should run some further polls? Let me know what you think.

In any case I was very surprised at these results and thought that they might make for a really interesting press release.

I know you’re really busy but I was wondering if you had any tips? One of my friends told me that graphs are a really good way of presenting data so I made a pie chart in excel. The only thing is I couldn’t figure out how to make the pie pieces different colours. Still I think it illustrates my research really well.

I’ve attached it for you to have a look at.

I was a bit disappointed that it didn’t look like pac man so I just changed the data to make it look more like a pac man. I’m guessing it’s ok to do that as no one will know the real results of my poll, right? Anyways, now if you tilt your head at the right angle it looks like a pac man. But not yellow. But yellow wouldn’t make sense because the poll’s about pink. Pink the colour that is, not pink the singer. I was a bit worried that people would be confused so I’ve titled the graph Pink Poll (NB the colour not the singer). Do you think that’s clear enough?

Would you be able to distribute my research alongside Ford’s? I think it makes the story more interesting. After all, who would’ve thought that only 37% of girls like pink! And it’s on a similar theme.

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts!



It’s been 24 hours, but sadly still no response from the PR guy.

I guess he’s just not that into me…


Perhaps I should send him some pink flowers to his office.

**Update: It ain’t over, til it’s over – the fat lady sings right here**

Big Up The Wales

This is all kinds of awesome.

Mate, Don’t *Make* Me Like Something In Order to See It

Social media is the new black y’know.

In my pathetic attempt to remain down with the kids I occasionally (and only very occasionally mind) do something other than play lexulous on Facebook and hit up my ‘Home’ page.

By the by, for my money the ‘home’ page should be called something like ‘timeline’ or possibly more accurately ‘place where you stalk peeps and get more annoyed than is strictly necessary at the farmville (or whatever the latest game is) updates polluting your feed’

But I guess they might struggle to fit that in the top navigation.

Anyways – today I saw this: (click to enlarge, innit?)

It says:

[My mate likes] 94% of people CAN’T READ this sentence without making a MISTAKE! Click to Try.

Well as someone who vacillates between being fairly certain she’s smarter than the average bear, to believing she’s several sandwiches short of a picnic I wanted to play too. Keen to find out just how good I was at reading and comprehension I did indeed click to try…

Dear reader, it occurred to me, whilst reading this back that I really didn’t need to complete the test… I am definitely several sandwiches short of a picnic… But I digress.

I clicked… and this is what I hit: (and again, click to enlarge – yes Mummy that is for your benefit)

Did you read it?

Woah there! What’s going on here?

“Step 1 – Click on the like button below”

But I don’t know if I ‘like’ it yet. I’ve not seen it. It might be totally crappy. Then all my friends will know I do totally crappy stuff on Facebook. I’ll be mocked and shunned… Or worse – befriended by Farmville players.


So why would they do that? Huh? Huh?

Well, obviously they want their message to spread (virus-like) amongst people’s feeds – and this is one way to do it. Make peeps ‘like it’ even before they access it.

Or – and this is just an idea loves – you could make something so kick-ass awesome that people actually *want* to share it AFTER they’ve accessed it.

Because now I think you’re an asshat. And I don’t want to do your stupid test anymore. And I hate you. I’m thinking the planet might be a better place without you*.

And it could of been the start of something beautiful baby**.