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Relationships

Can We Date?

Ah modern etiquette. It’s a minefield.

Ever wondered if it’s ok to date your therapist/landlord/second cousin/adopted child?

Wonder no more dear hearts. The Morning News has compiled this handy infographic (click to enlarge).

Why not print it out and keep it in your handbag/manbag* as a handy reference guide?

*If you have a manbag you probably won’t need this as no self respecting person will date you anyway.

Hat tip to the ever awesome Kate Morris

Snake Oil

Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young girls gone?
Online dating, every one
When will they ever learn… When will they ever learn?

 

I know that apparently *most* of the couples of who got married in the USA last year, met through e-harmony. I also know people who met via online dating and have since married and are very happy.

I’m just not sure that online dating is the solution which it purports to be.

In fact I think it’s snake oil.

On paper online dating looks pretty good, right? I’m very busy, I don’t really meet people, all my friends are coupled up – blah, blah blah (incidentally I’m quoting myself here). Also, it’s quite fun searching through the profiles with your mates, especially if you’ve had some wine.

Unfortunately, when you wake up the next morning, it’s, well not quite as fun… and actually it sucks.

You spend an hour or so trawling through boring profiles, trying to remember how fun it was the night before. You figure you really *ought* to make contact with some people.

So you do. You try to find a commonality between the two of you. You try to be witty, engaging, fun, lively, bubbly, intelligent etc.

Language fails you.

You decide to go shower, because you figure it’s just the hangover. You come back, look at a few more profiles and decide that you really need coffee. You drink coffee, come back… 

BUT

it’s not the hangover, it’s not the coffee,

you’ve

just

lost

the

will

to

live

 

It’s no fun at all. It’s soul destroying.

You start looking at some girls profiles because you’ve not tortured yourself enough just yet. Everyone else, looks younger, fresher, more fun, more appealing. You realise that you are old, fat and don’t photograph very well.

You eat some toast (because hangovers need carbs) and curse the joining fee which you could have spent on shoes (or more sensibly your council tax).

 

Maybe it’s just that particular dating site?

… Damn those salesmen are good 😉

 

Image credit gapingvoid

You Were Hot When You Were 16

Sorry dear readers but prepare yourselves for a rant (a rant which might just contain one hundred and one typos cos I can haz wine).

Ready?

Set?

Go…

Don’t you just hate it when you bump into someone you haven’t seen in ages, who is so unhappy, unsecure and all round so much of a freakin’ nonsense that they project (oooo look at me, I said project, I could totally go on Oprah right now) their shite and pointless existence on to you and try to drag you down to their own pointless level?

(Uh oh, did they succeed? I’m ranting after all; meh, etc).

Anyways, tonight I was told by a teeny-tiny inconsequential being that ‘My boyfriend ‘made’ me’.

The boyfriend in question being the boy I went out with from 14 through 17.

Now, aged 31, I resent the implication.

Whilst the boy in question, doubtlessly was a large influence then, I’d like to think I’ve grown up (albeit only marginally) since.

Seriously, it’s getting kinda tired.

We’ve all changed.

We’re no longer the people we were when we were young.

Increasingly I’m beginning to think that there was a bloody good reason for moving on from the toxic friendships that I had when I was 16.

I’m also getting tired of the ‘you were beautiful then’ comments.

I wasn’t beautiful then. I just had longer hair and less baggage.

Meanwhile, you’re just a short stumble away from a racy little number, a mid-life crisis, a drug addiction too late to be edgy/troubled/dangerous; only sad.

Oh, and incidentally love, those little incidents create baggage… The kind they put stickers on at the airport, and charge your overweight for.

Perhaps I’m not what you thought I was. Perhaps, dear heart, I was never what you wanted me to be… But a cold fuck and a goldfish memory (however rose tinted) just isn’t me.

Not anymore.

Perhaps it never was.

Perhaps you were so busy ‘knowing’ me so well, and for so long you neglected to notice that in fact we’ve all moved on.

…Well, everyone bar you, my love.

Remember When?

So, today I woke up irritatingly early. Saturday morning, 7am – wide awake. After watching Breakfast News on the BBC for a while (and quickly getting bored because the programme is only comprised of 15 minutes of content repeated over and over again) I got to thinking.

For some reason the song Two Princes by the Spin Doctors popped into my head. It came out in 1993 (I was 14 or 15) and back then I thought I was *very* grown up.

Of course, I wasn’t. But, in my head, I had it all sorted.

I’m now 31, and strangely, the older I get, the less I think I know.

They say life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. I’m not sure I’ve ever been much of planner – but, nonetheless I think it’s somewhat snuck up on me.

So today I was thinking a little about who I was back then, what I thought/believed in etc. Now, obviously I don’t know what you were like aged 14, but I’m wondering if you were anything like me?

Remember when?

  1. You secretly thought you might end up marrying your first boyfriend/girlfriend (delete as appropriate)
  2. You thought you were a bit fat even though you only weighed 7 and a half stone (or 44 kilos)
  3. You wondered if your spots would ever clear up
  4. Having an older boyfriend was the coolest thing ever – and it didn’t occur to you to wonder what a twenty-something man would want with a 15 year old
  5. You’d kiss for hours and wind up with an ugly rash around your mouth
  6. It was perfectly acceptable to ‘pop upstairs’ with your boyfriend at parties – then share the sordid details with your friends
  7. You’d steal booze from your parents liquor cabinet and then top up the spirit bottles with water so they wouldn’t notice what was missing
  8. Martini and lemonade was sophisticated
  9. You’d pretend to like lager or beer even though it tasted rancid to you
  10. You thought that your parents were really unreasonable because they wouldn’t let you go out dressed like a lap dancer
  11. You never wore a coat – even in the middle of Winter
  12. You threw up, but then carried on kissing anyway
  13. Fidelity really wasn’t in your vocabulary
  14. Menthol cigarettes made your head spin
  15. You’d get home drunk but try to pretend you were sober in front of your parents
  16. You’d spend hours making mix tapes and/or trying to record songs off of the radio
  17. You thought you’d never recover from your broken heart
  18. You’d spend hours at Kensington Market trying to figure out how to best spend your £20
  19. You’d make yourself a new fake id at least once per month
  20. You were certain that no one (particularly not your parents) could possibly understand you

So my loves – sound anything like you? Hit up the comments 🙂

Adventures in Online Dating & Attractiveness Rank

Well my loves, it’s been an eventful weekend.

On Friday night fueled by copious glasses of wine and peer pressure I signed up to a dating website. I am now the proud owner of a profile on the Guardian’s ‘soulmates’ site.

It. Is. Scary.

I feel hideously inept – like a new kid, at a new school, standing in the playground staring intently at my shoes.

Gradually, I will get my head round it. Like any community, online or otherwise there seem to be norms to which you need to conform to.

Basically, it goes like this:

  1. Set up profile.
  2. Part with hard earned cash.
  3. Look at boys profiles.
  4. Giggle (at lot).

At some point, you find someone who you think might be good for you, at this point you have a few choices:

a) You can ‘favourite’ them. If you favourite someone, I guess it means you kinda like them. You’re registering your interest in them, but without contacting them directly. However, they will know that you have favourited them.

With me so far? Okey dokey then.

b) You can also elect to send them a message. Here’s where it gets kinda tricky – how on earth can you possibly communicate what an amazingly interesting, witty, gorgeous individual you are?

Well, if you’re me, you tell an extreme sports enthusiast about the abseiling incident you had, when aged 12 you let out too much rope and wound up lying the wrong way up against the surface you were supposed to abseiling down.

Or you tell a guy who likes his tea strong, that you’re not sure why you’re emailing him when you’re essentially incompatible because you like your tea milky.

Surprisingly neither have yet responded to me… 

The good news is, that some other guys have registered their interest in me (who said romance was dead?). Unhappily – 3 out of the 4 who’ve either messaged or favourited me are – how can I put this? Not quite my cup of tea. 

I’ve decided I need to be a bit more scientific when evaluating potential profiles, so I have created ‘attractiveness rank’ (I might even trademark it).

Now attractiveness rank is a complex algorithm. Here’s how it works – 50% of the rank is based on looks (sorry, it’s harsh, but true). The remaining 50% is based on how witty I think the profile is.

There are also wild cards – e.g –

  1. Anyone who quotes the Goonies gets a bonus point because I love the Goonies. 
  2. People who like extreme sports get docked 1 point because extreme sports frighten me.
  3. People who look similar to ex-boyfriends get automatically discounted because I think it would be weird to go out with someone who reminded me of an ex.
  4. People who are too good looking get discounted because they won’t fancy me and I hate rejection (I had a terrible time getting over Brad Pitt’s rejection – I just can’t go through it again).
  5. People who mention that they’re rich get discounted because I think talking about money is vulgar.

So my loves – clearly the algorithm is in it’s infancy – feel free to suggest further enhancements.

Oh & it’s my birthday tomorrow, all gifts gratefully received 😉