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October, 2010:

Santander Re-Brand to San Tan D’uh

This is a guest rant post from the ever lovely Jules. She am the best.

Santander? Not so much.

I’m a pretty patient kind of a person. I honestly don’t mind waiting 20 minutes to speak to a busy customer care adviser. I mean they’re busy after all. In fact, I don’t even mind the 5 minutes it takes to enter my new telephone banking ID and pin (of which 3 minutes is spent trying the 2 different pins I was sent on the same day).

It might seem a bit odd that I can’t even talk to a human about my account without a login, but hey, for the sake of security, I don’t mind.

I guess that’s why I’m also pretty laid back when it takes a further 5 minutes to clear the security questions once I get through to said busy customer care advisor (note to self, shed some pounds, it’s darn right embarrassing to disclose that kind of weight to a total stranger).

But I guess where my patience tales off is thus:

BCCA = Busy Customer Care Advisor… Me = Me – clever, huh?

BCCA: One last security check before we proceed, can you just confirm your address Miss Lawrence?

Me: Why sure, it’s Lovely House, Quiet Road, Suburbia.

BCCA: Great, that’s what I have here. So, what can I do for you today?

Me: Well, my debit card, that awfully clever widget that lets me get my money out and pay for stuff like, oh I don’t know, food, well, it’s due to expire this month and you’ve not sent me a new one.

BCCA: Ah, I see the problem Miss Lawrence. We’ve updated your address on our systems but your postal address is still Noisy Flat, Busy Road, London. It’s been sent there.

Me: Oh, right. So I guess you thought I’d still like all my letters posted to my old address?

BCCA: Yes, that’s right Miss Lawrence, that was our thinking.

Me: Okey dokey. Um, so I guess we better cancel the new card and send me a new(er) one?

BCCA: Oh, well, we’d love to do that Miss Lawrence, we really would. The trouble is, the card was a replacement so it has exactly the same 16 digit card number as your current card. Oh and the same pin number. So we’d be cancelling both.

Me: Righhhht. Ok, so just so’s I’m clear, the new card, which doesn’t need to be activated with a new pin or owt, has been sent to someone who isn’t me. What happens if that person likes using clever widgety things to buy stuff like, I don’t know, high definition, flat screen TVs with built in 3D over the web?

BCCA: Well now, that is a conundrum. I guess we better cancel it Miss Lawrence.

Me: But then I can’t use my clever widgety thing to buy stuff like food?

BCCA: Now you’re getting it Miss Lawrence! Not for 10 days- that’s the legal requirement for sending out a new card btw.

Me: Ok, I guess I’m just a bit worried that I might get hungry or something.

BCCA: Oh no Miss Lawrence, you can get out money at your local branch. All you need is:

Photo ID
A bank statement
And proof of address (old and new)

We’re very good at security like that…

Said the man, working for the bank that sends identical cards to the wrong address.

Hmmm, that my lovelies is where my patience runs out. Santander, given your recent re-brand to San Tan D’uh, I’m moving to First Direct.