Today I am 32. As this makes me quite, well… old; I thought that I’d share with you some of the ‘wisdom’ which I’ve acquired since I’ve been on the planet:
1. Don’t mix whites and colours in the washing machine. Everything will either end up grey or pink. Of course if you like grey or pink, knock yourself out.
2. Car alarms are just annoying, and will most likely result in someone chucking a brick through your windscreen. When I hear a car alarm go off, I’ve never once thought OH NO! SOMEONE’S CAR IS BEING STOLEN!!!! I do however, often think shut that car alarm off before I give it something to squawk about.
3. All the nice food makes you fat. I’ve been cursed with the metabolic rate of a three toed sloth (erm actually a three toed sloth probably has a perfectly acceptable metabolic rate – but they are, well slow… whatever you know what I mean) however as when I deny myself nice food I’m miserable, I’ve elected to stick with being just a little bit fat.
4. Wine + social networking = FAIL. But don’t stop doing it. Your friends love that about you… No really, they do.
5. That late night drunken phone call to your ex is not cute. You’re not getting back together. You’ve just lost the last shred of dignity you tried so desperately to cling on to. Hopefully you were so drunk you can’t remember it.
6. When you need it most, technology will always fail you. Yes iPhone… I’m looking at you.
7. That magical deodorant that both prevents perspiration and doesn’t leave white marks on your clothes doesn’t exist.
8. Sometimes, although it makes you essentially a bad person, schadenfreude can get you through the day.
9. Kissing unsuitable boys may be ill-advised but it’s fun. Do it more often.
10. Take some risks. Not crossing the road with your eyes closed kind of risks, but – well y’know.
11. Tapping 5318008 into a calculator and turning it upside down never stops being funny.
12. Don’t use your shoe to smash that scary looking bug’s brains out when it’s on a window pane. The glass will break.
13. The changing room mirrors in French Connection cleverly make you appear to be thinner than you are. You will know you’ve been had when you get home and try on your new purchases in front of your normal mirror.
14. Some of the dumbest things I’ve ever done have also turned out to be the stories I’ve dined out on for years. The lesson? Doing dumb stuff enriches your life… or something.
15. Your friends are teh awesome. Ring them up when you’re drunk and tell them you love them. Trust me, it’s a better call to make than the one to your ex.
16. There’s not much a lush bath bomb and a cup of tea can’t cure.
17. If that fails have a boiled dippy egg and soldiers.
18. It is your family’s job to drive you mental. Suck it up.
19. Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year. But the panto makes it ok again.
20. A fry up probably won’t cure a hangover, but you should eat one anyway.
21. If you’re painting your flat by all means ask me to come and help, but know that I will get more paint on me than I’ll get on your walls.
22. Getting fired is not the worst thing that could happen to you.
23. Dancing like no one’s watching to this is an excellent use of your time.
24. House plants are sometimes suicidal. Don’t feel bad, it’s not your fault.
25. CSI is an excellent boyfriend substitute.
26. The one item of clothing you adore will inevitably get ruined in the wash. By your mother. Even after you expressly asked her not to wash your clothes. See number 18.
27. No matter how old you are, getting a balloon on your birthday rocks.
28. If someone arrives at work looking extra smart always go with the ‘got a job interview’ gag in favour of the ‘did someone die’ one.
29. Tesco will not sell you wine even if you are 32; unless you have a passport or driving license with you.
30. Reading Heat magazine may stunt you intellectually.
31. Goonies never say die. And neither should you.
32. After 32, consider lying about your age.
Image credit sillypucci