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April, 2010:

On Being 32

Hello my lovelies.

Today I am 32. As this makes me quite, well… old; I thought that I’d share with you some of the ‘wisdom’ which I’ve acquired since I’ve been on the planet:

1. Don’t mix whites and colours in the washing machine. Everything will either end up grey or pink. Of course if you like grey or pink, knock yourself out.

2. Car alarms are just annoying, and will most likely result in someone chucking a brick through your windscreen. When I hear a car alarm go off, I’ve never once thought OH NO! SOMEONE’S CAR IS BEING STOLEN!!!! I do however, often think shut that car alarm off before I give it something to squawk about.

3. All the nice food makes you fat. I’ve been cursed with the metabolic rate of a three toed sloth (erm actually a three toed sloth probably has a perfectly acceptable metabolic rate – but they are, well slow… whatever you know what I mean) however as when I deny myself nice food I’m miserable, I’ve elected to stick with being just a little bit fat.

4. Wine + social networking = FAIL. But don’t stop doing it. Your friends love that about you… No really, they do.

5. That late night drunken phone call to your ex is not cute. You’re not getting back together. You’ve just lost the last shred of dignity you tried so desperately to cling on to. Hopefully you were so drunk you can’t remember it.

6. When you need it most, technology will always fail you. Yes iPhone… I’m looking at you.

7. That magical deodorant that both prevents perspiration and doesn’t leave white marks on your clothes doesn’t exist.

8. Sometimes, although it makes you essentially a bad person, schadenfreude can get you through the day.

9. Kissing unsuitable boys may be ill-advised but it’s fun. Do it more often.

10. Take some risks. Not crossing the road with your eyes closed kind of risks, but – well y’know.

11. Tapping 5318008 into a calculator and turning it upside down never stops being funny.

12. Don’t use your shoe to smash that scary looking bug’s brains out when it’s on a window pane. The glass will break.

13. The changing room mirrors in French Connection cleverly make you appear to be thinner than you are. You will know you’ve been had when you get home and try on your new purchases in front of your normal mirror.

14. Some of the dumbest things I’ve ever done have also turned out to be the stories I’ve dined out on for years. The lesson? Doing dumb stuff enriches your life… or something.

15. Your friends are teh awesome. Ring them up when you’re drunk and tell them you love them. Trust me, it’s a better call to make than the one to your ex.

16. There’s not much a lush bath bomb and a cup of tea can’t cure.

17. If that fails have a boiled dippy egg and soldiers.

18. It is your family’s job to drive you mental. Suck it up.

19. Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year. But the panto makes it ok again.

20. A fry up probably won’t cure a hangover, but you should eat one anyway.

21. If you’re painting your flat by all means ask me to come and help, but know that I will get more paint on me than I’ll get on your walls.

22. Getting fired is not the worst thing that could happen to you.

23. Dancing like no one’s watching to this is an excellent use of your time.

24. House plants are sometimes suicidal. Don’t feel bad, it’s not your fault.

25. CSI is an excellent boyfriend substitute.

26. The one item of clothing you adore will inevitably get ruined in the wash. By your mother. Even after you expressly asked her not to wash your clothes. See number 18.

27. No matter how old you are, getting a balloon on your birthday rocks.

28. If someone arrives at work looking extra smart always go with the ‘got a job interview’ gag in favour of the ‘did someone die’ one.

29. Tesco will not sell you wine even if you are 32; unless you have a passport or driving license with you.

30. Reading Heat magazine may stunt you intellectually.

31. Goonies never say die. And neither should you.

32. After 32, consider lying about your age.

Image credit sillypucci

Stop All the Clocks

Dear hearts, Nanny died today.

I dearly hope you’ll join me in raising a toast to a fabulous human being.

Death in this instance is happy-sad.

Words rarely fail me, the verbose little bitch that I am… But, in this instance I’ve elected to re-purpose (she’s for he’s) what was an already marvellous poem by W.H. Auden. I’d like to think he’d be totally cool with that.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message she Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Massive Cock

Dear readers,

Today was something of a momentous day; as I found myself tweeting for the 2000th time. I know, I know – pretty cool, huh? And I can do the running man. And the Ant & Dec ‘Lets get ready to rumble’ dance. I am so down with the kids.

In your face Justin Bieber!

What? He’s tweeted more than me?

Whatever. I add ‘value’ to my followers*.

Anywho, the very lovely and not in the slightest bit vain stuartpt of LeedsSEO and  I pondered over what morsel I could gift my lovely followers with.

This is what we came up with:

Now dear hearts, would you click on a link like that?

Surprisingly 44 people did**.

I heart every single one of you.

I particularly heart @RichardShove who admitted to clicking, and of course @shanejones who retweeted it.

I think that there’s an important social media lesson here. A few days earlier I tweeted a link to an article about how well (or otherwise) social media was being leveraged in the General Election.

Well, massive cock pwned it.

Looks like the internet really is for porn.

Speaking of which, I double dare you to click on this link: http://bit.ly/cqJfmG

… I promise not to tell your Mum x

*Erm this is a big fat lie. **Actually I’m not sure it was 44 people, but it got 44 clicks.

Numb

I’m loving this track.

They’re using it on the Grey’s Anatomy trailers on TV at the moment and it’s blurry fantastic. I was therefore surprised to find it was by Marina & the Diamonds…

Particularly seeing as how I thought Hollywood was a flimsy, annoying, ear maggoty piece of poppy crap (don’t hold back Hannah, say what you really think).

I think I’ll need to purchase the CD, I’m old school like that… Although clearly not cool. If I was cool I’d buy vinyl.

Anyways, enjoy my loves xxx

Even a Stopped Clock Shows the Correct Time Twice a Day

Acts of sheer human will are rare, beautiful and fantastic.

For the last few years my Nanna has suffered from dementia. Dementia robbed us of the woman we loved, adored and respected.

But in the last few days, she’s come back.

My Nanna can’t talk, can’t walk, can’t feed herself. She can no longer communicate.

It’s been a long time coming, but perhaps now she feels it’s time.

… She won’t eat or drink.

Feed her? She’ll open her mouth and push the food out with her tongue. Try to get her to drink, she’ll open her mouth and let the liquid dribble from her lips.

Attractive? No.

But as an act of human will it’s beautiful to me.

I like to think that a part of the woman she once was has fought the dementia and won.

She can control nothing… But this.

Maybe tomorrow it’ll all be over and she’ll give in to it; she’ll eat and drink again.

But sad and strange as it sounds I really hope she holds on, that she continues on the nil by mouth path.

Even though in doing so, she’ll take herself away from us entirely. Because the truth is, she’s been gone for for years.

For years she’s been an empty shell.

And even though I’ll miss her, I’m really glad that I got to see the proud, strong, wonderful woman she was, one more time.