I think that there are very few people on the planet who are truly comfortable in their own skin. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty comfortable, but nonetheless suffer with a millionty (yes that is a number) teeny tiny insecurities which have a habit of turning me into a big giant ball of fear.
The fear is exacerbated when I’m nervous.
I’m pretty certain that I’m not really good enough, witty enough, intelligent enough, etc.
However, I’m frequently (ok maybe not frequently, but fairly often) told that I’m just fine. Sometimes it’s even someone other than my Mum telling me that too.
So why the fear?
I think that some people have a woefully inaccurate perception of me. Seriously.
I’m not particularly confident.
I find socialising difficult.
I mostly like to hang out with just a few close friends.
In social situations I get nervous, I gracelessly over-share because I think I hope that someone else will over-share too, we can giggle about it and make some sort of ‘connection’.
It’s lame.
I’m certain that people don’t need to know about how (after a drunken night out) I ended up at a guy’s flat, and when I returned from the toilet, I found him wearing nothing but a smile and a guitar. Naked serenade anyone? Oh and the song was really bad… *Really* bad.
Oddly I think I was more embarrassed than him.
I spend large proportions of evenings with “shutuphannahseriouslyshutthefuckupwhydidyousaythatyougiganticfreak*” playing on a loop in my brain.
*The voice in my head which berates me doesn’t believe in spacing or punctuation. Sometimes it’s my voice, but sometimes it sounds a little like Janeane Garofalo. I’m not sure why. Neither voice silences whatever’s been spewing forth in any case. Oh the futility.
When I get home after a night out I’ll replay all the bits where I made myself cringe until I feel a little bit sick. I’ll often vow that next time I’ll just stop in and watch CSI. I’ve never once made a twat out of myself whilst sitting on my sofa watching CSI. Watching CSI is the right thing to do. The safest option, right?
Trouble is, the safe option isn’t necessarily going to make you happy. I’ve been told that CSI is not a substitute for a social life… or a boyfriend. Shame.
So, did we ‘connect’ yet?
I shared. I told you about naked guitar guy AND the voice in my head that sounds like Janeane Garofalo AND how I often wish I’d just stayed in and watched CSI.
It’s your turn.
Tell me something about how you’re a big freak. It would make me feel better.
But, if you don’t want to, I guess I’m kinda hoping that my over-sharing has helped in any case.
Maybe you’ll feel better because it’s nice to know that there’s someone else on the planet who over-shares and regrets it when they’re nervous. Maybe you’ll feel better because you know that someone else on the planet feels as socially inept as you do too.
Maybe you’ll read it and feel superior, because you’ve never felt like that. If you’re that guy or gal I’d quite like to hear from you… in a funny sort of way. Not least because I wonder if; or maybe secretly hope that *you* are the freak.
Because everyone else feels just like me…
Image credit Stuant63
on Nov 13th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Are you me? Perhaps you’re not really hannah you’re the alter ego my brain created for me to deal with all the little neuroses I have and now you’re trying to communicate with me via an imaginary blog post? Dammit I knew no one would really have the twitter name Hanna Bo banna, and if they did they would spell it Hannah bo bannah or hanna bo banna so as not to confuse people.
seriously though, naked serrenading? Why ever didn’t you keep him
on Nov 13th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
This probably won’t help but we went to watch Never Mind the Buzzcocks being filmed when they had Janeane Garofalo as one of the guests and not once did she tell anyone to shut up. I guess all that means is that Janeane Garofalo probably isn’t physically inside your head…in case you were worried about that.
on Nov 13th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
well while we are over-sharing:
Normally, while brushing my teeth before going to bed, I will “play” some of the conversations I have had during the day. I will say everyone’s lines myself and I act them out as well to little gesture of the eye and I’ll laugh with them, or get mad and stuff… and I feel that I am doing them all in my head until I hear M shouting:”are you talking to yourself again?” by which time I will come up with something like: “no, just practising the presentation for tomorrow” or “nope, just calculating how many pennies I have left”…. to embarassing to say the truth, you know
now, how was that?
connecting?
on Nov 13th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
@Yoshimi - It was tough, but he had to go
@Yaddy - Really? It’s a comfort!
on Nov 13th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
@Emo - I knew I could rely on you fella. You are awesome.
Connection successful. Proceed straight to the pub.
on Nov 13th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I do get really paranoid sometimes though. I will sometimes pick up on one thing a person has said to me during a night out and run through about a million different things it could have meant.
Also before going out for a night I will practise a conversation that might happen, I even practice gesticulations and tones of voice. And I also try to think of interesting things to tell people in case I end up in conversation with someone really intelligent. I have always hated improv you see.
Crazy…me?
on Nov 13th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
@Yaddy Not crazy, love. Normal.
Improv is hideous. It shouldn’t be allowed.
on Nov 24th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
really nice to hear that I’m not alone with my feelings of inadequacy when faced with REAL t’internet folk and SEOISTS - maybe we should have a secret sign or something when we attend these occasions, so we can all overshare together.
Nice to meet you, Hannah, at the London SEoMOx pubcon thing
on Nov 25th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Lovely to meet you too Elaine!
Love the idea of a secret sign too, or maybe a handshake? We could take over the world, mwah ha ha ha ha!
(Or possibly just stop in and watch CSI).