Hell is Other People

As John-Paul Satre once said, “Hell is other people”.

It’s a phrase which popped into my head on Friday night. I was heading to Hoxton for a night out.

The train I caught was more than half empty; so I gladly bagged the window seat of an empty trio and began reading the complete and utter dross which is the London Paper. All was good.

At Kingston some idiot elected to ignore empty train etiquette and rather than leaving an empty seat between us, sat half on top of me, in the adjacent seat. 

No bloody manners, personal space invader.

I gave him one of my well practised filthy looks, but to no avail. He wasn’t moving. 

He then proceeded to read my newspaper over my shoulder, all the while huffing and puffing his stinking ‘a dog just died and I thought I’d eat it’ breath all over me.

What a dick.

I decided that Mr Personal Space Invader needed telling. Because I’m a cowardy custard I decided the best way to tell him was via text.

I pulled out my phone and wrote the following:

“Would it be too much to ask for people not to sit on my bloody lap on a half empty train. Particularly when their breath smells like they’ve recently eaten a dead dog.”

I turned to look, and sure enough Mr Personal Space Invader had read every word. I smiled faux sweetly at him, as he tried to pretend he hadn’t read my text.

But he still didn’t move…

It strikes me that such instances could be very easily avoided if South West Trains issued a Train Etiquette public information leaflet. It could include handy tips such as:

1. Don’t sit on top of people when there are other seats free.
2. Clean your teeth twice a day.
3. Floss. 
4. Use mouthwash.
5. Don’t eat dead dogs.
6. If you absolutely have to eat a dead dog before boarding your train then consume breath mints or chew gum so as not to afflict others.
7. Don’t huff and puff all over people. This isn’t the story of the Three Little Pigs and you’re not the big bad wolf (despite the fact you have breath like him).
8. Buy your own newspaper or book to read on the train.
9. Don’t read other people’s text messages.
10. If you read other people’s text messages and they are being mean about you, move to another seat.

Those found in violation of train etiquette could get on the spot fines.

Nice.