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Adventures in Online Dating & Attractiveness Rank

Well my loves, it’s been an eventful weekend.

On Friday night fueled by copious glasses of wine and peer pressure I signed up to a dating website. I am now the proud owner of a profile on the Guardian’s ‘soulmates’ site.

It. Is. Scary.

I feel hideously inept – like a new kid, at a new school, standing in the playground staring intently at my shoes.

Gradually, I will get my head round it. Like any community, online or otherwise there seem to be norms to which you need to conform to.

Basically, it goes like this:

  1. Set up profile.
  2. Part with hard earned cash.
  3. Look at boys profiles.
  4. Giggle (at lot).

At some point, you find someone who you think might be good for you, at this point you have a few choices:

a) You can ‘favourite’ them. If you favourite someone, I guess it means you kinda like them. You’re registering your interest in them, but without contacting them directly. However, they will know that you have favourited them.

With me so far? Okey dokey then.

b) You can also elect to send them a message. Here’s where it gets kinda tricky – how on earth can you possibly communicate what an amazingly interesting, witty, gorgeous individual you are?

Well, if you’re me, you tell an extreme sports enthusiast about the abseiling incident you had, when aged 12 you let out too much rope and wound up lying the wrong way up against the surface you were supposed to abseiling down.

Or you tell a guy who likes his tea strong, that you’re not sure why you’re emailing him when you’re essentially incompatible because you like your tea milky.

Surprisingly neither have yet responded to me… 

The good news is, that some other guys have registered their interest in me (who said romance was dead?). Unhappily – 3 out of the 4 who’ve either messaged or favourited me are – how can I put this? Not quite my cup of tea. 

I’ve decided I need to be a bit more scientific when evaluating potential profiles, so I have created ‘attractiveness rank’ (I might even trademark it).

Now attractiveness rank is a complex algorithm. Here’s how it works – 50% of the rank is based on looks (sorry, it’s harsh, but true). The remaining 50% is based on how witty I think the profile is.

There are also wild cards – e.g –

  1. Anyone who quotes the Goonies gets a bonus point because I love the Goonies. 
  2. People who like extreme sports get docked 1 point because extreme sports frighten me.
  3. People who look similar to ex-boyfriends get automatically discounted because I think it would be weird to go out with someone who reminded me of an ex.
  4. People who are too good looking get discounted because they won’t fancy me and I hate rejection (I had a terrible time getting over Brad Pitt’s rejection – I just can’t go through it again).
  5. People who mention that they’re rich get discounted because I think talking about money is vulgar.

So my loves – clearly the algorithm is in it’s infancy – feel free to suggest further enhancements.

Oh & it’s my birthday tomorrow, all gifts gratefully received 😉


  1. Rory says:

    In the Venn Diagram of people who quote The Goonies, and people who are too good looking, is there actually an intersection? Perhaps (and this is only a suggestion) you need more clauses which aren’t definitively mutually exclusive. Or you could take up polo. People who play polo all think they’re poor. I’m not sure what the Argentinian version of The Goonies was called though; “Los Gunes” perhaps?

  2. Hannah says:

    Ok, you’ve totally confused me. Are you saying that only ugly people like the Goonies?

    I don’t know much about polo – but is being Argentinian a prerequisite?

    Dating is much tougher than it used to be…

  3. Rory says:

    Let me clarify

    Fantastically attractive people may well like The Goonies, but would they risk giving that dirty little secret away by actually quoting it? I think not…..

    Admittedly the polo thing is a tad more obscure; when poor Argentinian Gaucho families can no longer afford to support their offspring, the youngest are sent to England to play polo. It’s heartrending. It doesn’t actually help you much to be honest, it’s just been bugging me.

  4. Will says:

    An extra wild card:

    6. Someone that can’t spell to save there life …. or that gets mixed up between there / their / they’re. Discounted altogether!

    (p.s. I’ve done it on purpose before you take the Miguel)

  5. Jules says:

    Doris, you’ve missed the mosty important factor in your algorithm – profile names.

    Anyone who calls himself Don Juan DeMorden or LadeeezMan ought to not only be avoided at all costs, but quite possibly tracked down via FB and exterminated…

    Oh, and the all-time, must-be-avoided-at-all-costs factor with profile names – anyone who uses the suffix 69.

    As in Jamie69. Ok, so here’s the thing Jamie (can I call you Jim Bob only it seems more apt), unless you have in the last 4 months or will in the next 8 months be turning 40, you’re a c*ck. There now, how’s that for a little bit of innuendo Jim Bob? 😉

    Just don’t do it Hannah!

  6. Hannah says:

    @Rory – Fella – we’re gonna have to agree to disagree – for me, liking the Goonies is something to be proud of – Goonies never say die!

    @Will – Yep totally with you – bad spelling or bad grammar = elimination… and I love the clip from the office.

    @Jules – yep profile names are v important – I believe we discounted several last night on that basis alone 😉

  7. Brittany says:

    My husband and I met online nearly 6 years ago- it was a scary experience that turned out brilliant! Though I think I was just stupidly lucky to have found him…

  8. Hannah says:

    Hey Brittany,

    Wow – I didn’t realise you two met online – well I think he was stupidly lucky to find you love x

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