Well my loves, it’s been an eventful weekend.
On Friday night fueled by copious glasses of wine and peer pressure I signed up to a dating website. I am now the proud owner of a profile on the Guardian’s ’soulmates’ site.
It. Is. Scary.
I feel hideously inept - like a new kid, at a new school, standing in the playground staring intently at my shoes.
Gradually, I will get my head round it. Like any community, online or otherwise there seem to be norms to which you need to conform to.
Basically, it goes like this:
- Set up profile.
- Part with hard earned cash.
- Look at boys profiles.
- Giggle (at lot).
At some point, you find someone who you think might be good for you, at this point you have a few choices:
a) You can ‘favourite’ them. If you favourite someone, I guess it means you kinda like them. You’re registering your interest in them, but without contacting them directly. However, they will know that you have favourited them.
With me so far? Okey dokey then.
b) You can also elect to send them a message. Here’s where it gets kinda tricky - how on earth can you possibly communicate what an amazingly interesting, witty, gorgeous individual you are?
Well, if you’re me, you tell an extreme sports enthusiast about the abseiling incident you had, when aged 12 you let out too much rope and wound up lying the wrong way up against the surface you were supposed to abseiling down.
Or you tell a guy who likes his tea strong, that you’re not sure why you’re emailing him when you’re essentially incompatible because you like your tea milky.
Surprisingly neither have yet responded to me…
The good news is, that some other guys have registered their interest in me (who said romance was dead?). Unhappily - 3 out of the 4 who’ve either messaged or favourited me are - how can I put this? Not quite my cup of tea.
I’ve decided I need to be a bit more scientific when evaluating potential profiles, so I have created ’attractiveness rank’ (I might even trademark it).
Now attractiveness rank is a complex algorithm. Here’s how it works - 50% of the rank is based on looks (sorry, it’s harsh, but true). The remaining 50% is based on how witty I think the profile is.
There are also wild cards - e.g -
- Anyone who quotes the Goonies gets a bonus point because I love the Goonies.
- People who like extreme sports get docked 1 point because extreme sports frighten me.
- People who look similar to ex-boyfriends get automatically discounted because I think it would be weird to go out with someone who reminded me of an ex.
- People who are too good looking get discounted because they won’t fancy me and I hate rejection (I had a terrible time getting over Brad Pitt’s rejection - I just can’t go through it again).
- People who mention that they’re rich get discounted because I think talking about money is vulgar.
So my loves - clearly the algorithm is in it’s infancy - feel free to suggest further enhancements.
Oh & it’s my birthday tomorrow, all gifts gratefully received