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A love song (of sorts) for Valentine’s Day…

Perhaps I’m not dead inside after all

Hello loves.

It’s been ages, huh? I’ve missed you.

Unhappily I’ve been trying to do too much and as a direct consequence I’ve been failing at pretty much everything. I wanted to write something on Sunday, but I was hungover thanks to the lovely Jules’s birthday bash *and* I stupidly decided that I really ought to moderate the 800-odd comments on here first. The spammyness I was exposed to made me hate the interwebz a bit so I shut down the pooter and had a bath instead.

I’ve been out of the loop in virtually every sense - I can’t remember the last SEO-related post I read; and twitter… well, twitter and I are on a break. We’ve both agreed that it’s ok for us to sleep with other people without fear of recrimination.

So… what’s new?

Well apparently Apple are launching the iPad. A charming piece of technical gadgetry which sounds like some sort of feminine hygiene product… Or possibly some sort of incontinence product. (I know, I know it’s been said… but I wasn’t there to read it so it doesn’t count… or something).

What else? I’ve been delighted by the fabulous Jane Copland’s Google Streetview Divers - seriously - click that damn link. You’ll wet yourself then wish you’d had the foresight to get an iPad to save your blushes.

I’ve also ventured back to the damn dating websites. Well actually, website singular. It’s ok - ish. I’ve met someone who is very nice and normal, but currently ’sans’ spark, so I’ll probably need to knock it on the head. I’m guessing that I need to do that like a grown up this time. Which seems kind of unfair given that I’m actually a teenager trapped in a 30-somethings body…

Speaking of immaturity, I keep getting what I believe to be a form of dating website tourettes. Rather than sending normal messages to people, I’m fighting the urge to randomly send hideously inappropriate comments like: ‘you wan’ sucky sucky?’ … or perhaps ‘Are you the Keymaster?’ (well at least that’s cleaner).

… NB, to date I have managed to keep myself in check. But it doesn’t bode well.

What else? If you’re not watching Glee then you should be. FACT. Here’s just one reason: dancing footballers. But there are many.

But enough of this… Write me a comment and tell me that you still love me… even though I’m behaving like a needy little madam, I’m a sucky blogger, something of a waster and I really need to grow up.

Me love you long time xxx

I heart this photo bombing seal. He’s crashed the penguin’s party.

I’d like to think he’s saying “Hey you guys!” like Sloth from the Goonies.

Because seals can talk. In my world.

…I think that the interwebz may be damaging my health.

Image credit Acting Like Animals; hat tip to Rob Ousby.

It’s January. It’s cold. It’s a bloody stupid time to start a diet. No one will have any idea of how fat (or otherwise) I am because I am wearing so many clothes.

That’s why I don’t feel at all guilty about my food intake today. It looks like this:

- One pot of ambrosia creamed rice pudding

- One belgian bun from the bakers (NB minus the cherry they stick on top. Not because I’m concerned about the 10 calories that’s worth, just because I hate those cherries. They are not cherries. They are the devil’s work).

- Two giant white chocolate chip cookies from Sainburys

I am now considering my dinner options. The leftover chocolate pudding versus the salad.

It’s going to be a close run race… but as a former betting shop manager I’ve approached this scientifically.

I’ve studied the form… 

My money’s on the chocolate pudding by a short head.

Image credit Bad Housewife

Dear God I watch some bad TV. I really must stop it.

Surely there could be something better which I could be doing with my time… Like possibly gouging my eyes out with teaspoons.

I just caught the last 15 minutes of Take Me Out. It’s dreadful. I mean really dreadful. Seemingly the idea is that a gaggle of women - I’m guessing 30 or so - doll themselves up (actually doll seems to be the operative word - there were lots of Barbie types - and more sequins than you could shake a stick at… Perhaps that’s where I’m going wrong… There’s not enough sequins in my wardrobe) then stand behind little desks with buzzers on.

A boy comes down in a lift type contraption and his aim is to get himself a date.

The girls get to opt out of the process at any time by pressing their buzzer. If they press the buzzer their light goes out and the boy doesn’t get to pick them.

Effectively there’s three rounds. The girls can opt out purely based on the look of the guy when he comes down in the elevator. That my loves is round one.

In round two the boy performs some kind of ‘talent’. Hmmm it’s a little like a beauty pageant. The girls of course can decide that his talent sucks ass and can again opt out at this point.

Finally in round three they show a hideous big brother stylee audition video. Again here the girls can elect to opt out.

Now the boy gets to call the shots… Assuming of course that anyone’s still got their lights on… The phrase the lights are on but no one’s home springs to mind at this point.

So if there are more than two girls left the boy gets to turn off the lights of those who he doesn’t want to take out. Nice.

Finally with just two girls left he gets to ask them a question, and from this he will then decide who he wants to go on a date with.

It’s not at all shallow. Seriously, I mean it’s obvious to me that some very real, lasting relationships are bound to follow. It’s like a meeting of minds. These people are connecting on a very deep level. No really, they are.

Bah.

At least on Blind Date there was a chance that you could go on a nice holiday (although mostly people picked the envelope which said Blackpool rather than the Bahamas).

I think the peeps on this show get to go to Manchester’s premier nightclub.

Still, I suppose that there’s every chance that if (shock, horror) you find that you’ve nothing in common with your date you can always nip to the loo and then not come back…

Image credit evelynishere